Collection of Quotes

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - Jules Feiffer

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." -Plato

Life is like a roller coaster. I like the ups and downs.

Life is like a roller coaster with many ups and down. The faster the better.

I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue. - Lloyd Bridges, "Airplane"

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. - Frank Leahy

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. - Garrison Keillor

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen

It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Please go away; Your 15 minutes were up two years ago.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

I'm much too young to be this damn old. - Garth Brooks

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. - Woody Allen

What does not kill me only makes me whinier.

Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex Before Marriage WETUMKA, OK�
Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. "Why the hell did I wait?" Liz said Tuesday. "I could've been having mind-blowing sex with dozens of guys these last 15 years, and instead I spent them making little uptight speeches about how it'll be more special if I hold out." Matt agreed, saying, "Stacy Pratt totally would've done me. Oh, man."

Single male seeks double-jointed supermodel who owns her own company.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. - George Will

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art. - Kahlil Gibran

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde

Statistically, a woman's chance of getting pregnant begins to decline at age 27.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Somebody has to do something and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us. - Jerry Garcia

Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them. - Epictetus

We learn the rope of life by untying its knots. - Jean Toomer

No matter how flat you make it, a pancake still has two sides.

You know it's love when you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'" - Chris Rock

It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back." - Mick Jagger

If you stop to think, don't forget to start again.

Inside every older person there is a younger person wondering what happened.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you to their level, then beat you with experience.

Never argue with an idiot in front of people because some people may not be able to tell the difference.

There is a positive element in everything that happens, no matter how hard to find, just keep looking.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.

Why is it that those screaming "tolerance" are intolerant of others intolerances? 
That's like peace demonstrators throwing stones (or a Molotov cocktail).

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is." - Albert Einstein

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

Financially, life is backwards...we have the most expenses (children, housing, etc) when we have the least money, after years of saving money we can retire with nobody left to spend it on. (unless you're lucky enough to have grandkids)

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Work hard, play harder, there'll be plenty of time for rest when I'm dead.

Work or play too hard, you'll be dead sooner than later.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

You can choose your attitude. Choose to be happy and find the positive...or be positively unhappy.

Those who do not 'believe' the principles [of the matrix] will eventually 'know' the truth. You do not have to believe in gravity, but you will hit the ground just as hard as the person who does.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Life is short but there is always time for courtesy. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. - Leo F. Buscaglia

When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another. - Helen Keller

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. - Henry Ford

Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality. - Warren G. Bennis

A mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimension. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Great discoveries invariably involve the cooperation of many minds. - Alexander Graham Bell

People who say that it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. - Anonymous

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency. - Eugene McCarthy

To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it. - Anonymous

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.  - Anonymous

Beware of programmers that carry a screwdriver (the tool or the drink)

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. - Wayne Gretzky

Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you are!

Much of the world's work is done by people who don't feel well. - Winston Churchill

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here, we might as well dance! - Anonymous

Success is 10% inspiration and 10% perspiration and 80% bull . . . . (you know what) - John Foreman

When you have exhausted all possibilities remember this - you haven't. - Thomas Edison

Run while you have the light of life! - St. Benedict

Consider the turtle - he doesn't make any progress unless he sticks his neck out. - Anonymous

It is never too late to start; It is always too soon to quit. - Anonymous

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on! - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Knowing is not enough; We must apply. Willing is not enough; We must Do. - Goethe

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, they make them. - George Bernard Shaw

A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work. - Colin Powell

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. - Robert Brault

If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane. - Jimmy Buffett

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The artist who aims at perfection in everything achieves it in nothing. - Eugene Delacroix

I had rather do and not promise than promise and not do. - Arthur Warwick

Give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you. - Madeline Bridge

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. - Ralpha Waldo Emerson

We are the people our parents warned us about. - Jimmy Buffett

If one man calls you an ass, ignore him. If ten men call you an ass, buy a saddle.

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck..

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17.. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously............. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I get what I want, but I know what to want.

Getting along at the zoo is a matter of gibbon take.

It's Old Man Winter, and I'd like to punch him in the face.